Pain's Storybook!
by Darkest Midnights
Summary: Itachi and Pain were playing Truth or Dare, Itachi dares Pain to dress up like Santa and tell stories to random children that randomly live in Konoha! Rated T for various reasons.
1. The Night Before Christmas, Sorta

Pain's Storybook!

I don't own Naruto or any of the stories I use. But I do own the random children Pain tells the stories to.

Enjoy.

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It was a snowy night, Itachi and Pain were enjoying a cold glass of cola while playing 'Truth or Dare'. So far, Itachi has been picking Truth, and Pain was picking Dare. So far, Itachi has admitted to 7,982 federal offenses that include wearing a clown nose out of season and saying 'pie' out of conversation, and putting mustard on a turkey, lettuce, and ketchup sandwich... none of which were considered federal offenses. Pain, on the other hand, had to streak in Konoha and Suna, drinking out of the toilet after Zetsu, Sasori, and Kisame go to the bathroom without flushing (under Itachis direct orders not to flush and to eat tons of beans), and don't forget the singing of 'Barbie Girl' in front of everyone. It was Itachi's turn.

"Truth or dare?" Pain asked.

"Truth." Itachi replied.

"Have you read a yaoi before?" Pain asked.

"Yep. It was very descriptive and very amusing. It was about me and you, Pain." Itachi said. "It was beyond M-rated towards the more adult scenes."

Pain looked shocked and shook it off as Itachi opened his mouth.

"Truth or dare?" Itachi asked.

"Dare me." Pain replied.

"I triple-dog-dare-you-times-infinity to read children bedtime stories... It can include Christmas tales too..." Itachi paused pulling out a childrens storybook. "While dressed like Santa."

Itachi then pulled out a Santa outfit.

"Fine." Pain said. "Pretty tame... What's the catch?"

"You have to read the stories to Konoha children." Itachi said.

"Damn." Pain said.

"Get going." Itachi said. "Don't forget the milk!"

Pain looked shocked as he slammed the door with his foot as he put on the beard and jacket and headed to Konoha.

"This isn't going to work." Pain muttered to himself as he climbed down the chimney and looked for the children's room.

He opened the door and saw a child, not much as a child, looked more like a teenage girl. The girl looked at Pain, saying:

"Santa? You're real? Oh, God, I should've not kicked those puppies and given those poor children seizures..."

"I'm so proud of you." Pain whimpered under his breath. "Hello, child, what's your name?"

"Lauretta." The girl, Lauretta, replied.

"Lauretta, you've been a role model of mine for quite some time." Pain said.

"Even with the kicking of puppies and the seizures on those children?" Lauretta asked.

"Yes!" Pain said. "Do you want to hear a bedtime story that I completely messed in my thoughts just now? It's just in time for Christmas."

"Sure. What's it about?" Lauretta asked.

"It's called: 'The Night before Christmas'." Pain said.

Pain sat down with Lauretta.

"'Twas the night before Christmas, with all through the house..." Pain paused for a second. "What the hell? Don't these people know children also live in apartments?!"

"True." Laurette said. "They should keep up to date."

"Let's go on... Not a creature was stirring... Not even a mouse..." Pain paused. "Hell with mouse, that's going to be a mutated rat! Anyways... The children was sleeping, the baby in the other room was weeping... If I was their dad, they would be dying! They laid out Santa, me, cookies and milk..."

Pain paused and glared at the book.

"What the hell?! Why the hell can't it be coffee or a ice cold beer?!" Pain shouted. "Anyways, The children were laying in beds made in silk, then why the hell can't they give Santa a beer so Santa can get drunk and throw up, but 'no!' they just give me some God damn cookies and milk! Santa put gifts under the tree and went up to the childrens rooms and got out a belt, the children will wake up with their asses kicked. I got out my Mustang and drove it onto their rooftop... Damn, that reindeer dropped... dead. I had some Rein-jerky, those children and their parents weren't perky..."

"Why?" Lauretta asked.

"Think, child! A bloody, run-over reindeer with strips of meat missing is something children would love to see!" Pain replied, pausing. "Anyways, I drove off in a hurry, I ran over an old lady or two with a police officer or two and man they weren't cherry. Then I saw Konan and ran her ass over!"

Pain closed the book and faked a smile that might kill him.

"Now, do you want to know the moral of this tale?" Pain asked.

"What is it, Santa?" Lauretta asked.

"It's to always give Santa a beer or you will see a roadkill reindeer with me eating Rein-jerky in my Mustang!" Pain said, jumping out of the window. "See you on Christmas Eve, remember! Santa would like beer instead of cookies and milk!"

"Bye, Santa!" Lauretta said, waving.

Pain went off to the next house. Hopefully the story may not be as scarring as this.

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I'm sorry if I went too far. I also didn't feel like looking up for 'The Night Before Christmas'. I tried not to die of laughter as I wrote this... The next chapter will probably make me die of laughter, though... Since I got it all plotted out. Review if your still alive.


	2. Painsel and Konantel

Pains Storybook

I don't own Naruto, or the stories I make fun of.

Enjoy the... second chapter.

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Pain travelled to the second child's house and jumped into the children's bedroom through the large window. The child was, in fact, Konohamaru! Pain gulped and thought through that Konohamaru believed in Santa and wanted to kill Pain. Pain sweatdropped.

"Ho, ho, holy crap, child! What's your name?" Pain asked.

"Konohamaru." Konohamaru replied. "You're Santa, right?"

"Yeah, let's go with that! I'm here to read you a story!" Pain said. "Just go with it!"

"Alright, what's the story about?" Konohamaru asked.

"Pain-sel and Konan-tel." Pain replied.

"Don't you mean 'Hansel and Gretel'?" Konohamaru asked.

"This is another way of putting it, kid." Pain replied. "There was once a handsome, young man named Pain-sel, and his girlfriend Konan-tel. They were walking in the forest and digging up bodies for huge bounties! Let's just skip down to the part where they break into the old woman's, Tsunade's, house."

"Awesome!" Konohamaru cheered. "Wait, isn't Tsunade the Fifth Hokage?"

"She is also the bitch who lives in the ramen house in this storybook, got it?" Pain asked.

"Got it!" Konohamaru said.

"Good, so... Pain-sel and Konan-tel were walking towards the house as they got towards the delicious smell of ramen! So, they decided to eat the delicious cooked ramen Tsunade made the house out of each day!" Pain cheered.

"Cool!" Konohamaru said, smiling.

"Thank God you don't know I'm Pain!" Pain sighed.

"What?" Konohamaru asked.

"I said, Thank God you don't know the end!" Pain lied. "Anyways, Pain-sel and Konan-tel were breaking into Tsunade's home! Tsunade growled once she saw what happened to her house. She screamed 'You dirty children! I'm going to kill you by rolling you in bread crumbs, lock you in the oven, set it at five-hundred degrees, heat you until golden brown, and eat you!'." Pain paused. "My God, they shouldn't put this in a children's book!"

"So, what happens next?" Konohamaru asked.

"Pain-sel and Konan-tel are going to follow strangers, going to a dark alley and get raped." Pain said, reading the side line near the next paragraph. "Again, they shouldn't put this in children's books!"

"What?!" Konohamaru screamed.

"Anyways, Pain-sel and Konan-tel then sneaked behind Tsunade, pushed her into the bread crumbs, locked her in the oven, turned the oven on five-hundred degrees, and heated her until golden brown." Pain paused. "Man, this story is making me hungry. Konohamaru, do you have a cookie I can have?"

Konohamaru gave Pain a cookie. Pain then ate the cookie.

"Then Pain-sel and Konan-tel left the freshly-cooked Tsunade for the starving animals of the happy forest to eat her." Pain continued. "Do you want to know the moral of this story?"

"What is it, Santa?" Konohamaru asked.

"It's to always throw old people in bread crumbs, lock them in ovens, heat them on five-hundred degrees until golden brown, and let the starving animals eat them." Pain said.

Pain jumped out the window, waving 'good-bye' and then flicked off Konohamaru off.

"That must be a new way to greet someone or something!" Konohamaru cheered.

Pain ran towards the Inuzuka household... who knows what will happen next...

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Review if you're still breathing or if you're still alive... I'm sorry if I went too far... Review please.


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